Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
