Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
