So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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