I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
