sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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