apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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