i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
