just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
foreskin is a definite game changer
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
