It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
