smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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