I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
