my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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