Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your cock deserves a montage
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
