Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
