The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
