My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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