never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
