I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
