wat bout pragnant strippers??
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
