today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
