Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
