i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
