Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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