I accidentally had phone sex last night
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
