My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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