Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
