Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we're so committed to being not committed
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
