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I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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