o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
