so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
