What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
