I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
