OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
