she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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