In the future we'll all be gay
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
