i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
