If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
