Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
