The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
