I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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