he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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