Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
