i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
