why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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