I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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