you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
