i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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