You're a womanizer and a bitch.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
