I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
