you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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