It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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