She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't turn off my feet"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
