mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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